The parking industry glossary

TRIGGER WARNING – Please be aware that this glossary is intended to be a satirical piece, so do not take the contents literally!

A

Accredited Trade Association (ATA) – A members association for private parking companies. Works tirelessly to prevent Carmageddon™

ANPR – An infallible technology used to enforce terms and conditions within the car park (with the exception of misuse of disabled bays, misuse of parent and child bays, not parking within the bay markings, parking outside of the bay, parking on yellow lines, leaving the facility for which the car park is provided, not displaying a permit)

Appeal (first stage) – A just and fair process for reviewing a parking charge to confirm that the parking charge was issued correctly in the first place. Also see Excuses.

Appeal (independent) – A just and fair process for a 2nd stage review of a parking charge by a 3rd party. The 3rd party may consider arguments relating to law and legal principles, such as burden of proof.

Armchair lawyer – A legally ignorant parking terrorist spouting untruths about private parking charges via online forums and blogs

B

Barrier-controlled car park – An old style car park where outstanding charges must be settled before exiting. Statistically fewer parking charges are issued in these types of car parks, although scientists have not been able to explain why.

Beavis, Barry – A fish and chip shop owner. Once stayed over 2 hours at a retail park whilst shopping, dared to question the legality of the resulting private parking charge. NB. Any reference to Mr Beavis must mention him being a fish and chip shop owner

Breastfeeding – Not an excuse

Breakdown (car) – Not an excuse

Breakdown (nervous) – Not an excuse

C

Car – Loss-causing menace

Car park – Limited natural resource, must be managed to ensure its survival

Carmageddon™ – The end of modern civilisation as we know it. Solely prevented by the issuance of private parking tickets

Code of Practice – The set of written rules produced by each Accredited Trade Association. Perfectly balances the rights of the motorist, landowner, and parking company

Commercial Justification –

Court (County) – Routinely finds that contractual parking charges are enforceable

Court (of Appeal) – Confirmed that contractual parking charges are enforceable. Also see Beavis, Barry

Court (Supreme) – TBC

D

Daily Mail –

Death – Barely an excuse. Must be evidenced

Disabled motorist – A sub-type of motorist, frequently makes excuses

DVLA –

E

Excuse – An immaterial statement presented by a motorist in an appeal, often false

F

Forum – A place in cyberspace where parking terrorists meet to discuss loopholes and avoidance tactics for paying private parking charges

Free car park – An innovative car park whereby the losses caused by breaches of terms and conditions are passed onto inconsiderate motorists only

G

Genuine customer clause – The first rule of private parking club, is that nobody talks about the genuine customer clause.

Genuine Pre-Estimate of Loss (GPEOL) – A scientifically calculated amount representing the loss caused by any contravention of the parking terms. Does not contain any element of profit or operating costs. Definitely not a penalty

Government – The home of the meddling politicians. Usually to blame

Grace period – The undefineable period of time between the motorist entering the car park and loss being caused to the private parking company

H

Highway code – A set of rules for the public highway. It’s standards and conventions may or may not be adopted in a private car park at the discretion of the operator

I

Ink (black) – The text colour used in the opening correspondence with a keeper

Ink (red) – The text colour used in any subsequent correspondence with a keeper

J

K

Keeper – See motorist

Keeper liability – Confirms the suspision that keepers and drivers are virtually synonymous

L

Landowner – The owner of the car park. The rights of whom must be prioritised above any other party at all costs

M

Mitigating circumstance – An immaterial fact from a contractual perspective presented in an appeal. Also see Excuse

Motorist – See keeper

N

Notice to Driver –

Notice to Keeper –

O

P

P.C.N. – An unambiguous abbreviation of Penalty Charge Notice and Parking Charge Notice

Parking – An event caused whenever a car enters private land

Parking attendant – A historical operator of car parks. Being replaced by ANPR

Parking Charge Notice (PCN) – A charge issued to motorists for breaking the terms and conditions of the car park. Should not be confused with a Penalty Charge Notice (PCN)

Penalty Charge Notice (PCN) – A charge issued to motorists for breaking the terms and conditions of the car park. Should not be confused with a Parking Charge Notice (PCN)

Pickles, Sir Eric – A meddling politician. Resembles a thumb

Protection of Freedoms Act –

Private Parking Company – A philanthropic company that exists to absorb and attempt to recover the loss caused by contraventions of parking terms and conditions.

Private Parking Ticket – See Parking Charge Notice

Q

R

Robinson, Ann – Institionally biased consumer television ‘personality’

S

Sign – A clearly articulated, non contradictory, unambiguous set of terms and conditions governing for the car park.  Can be read, understood, and accepted at up to 70mph

Shopping – A popular pastime that should never take longer than 2 hours

Stopping – See parking

Y

U

V

W

Waiting – See parking

Wheel clamp – A historical device for prevention of Carmageddon™. Unnecessarily banned by meddling politicians

White line –

Witness statement – Evidence of the highest quality

X

Y

YouParkLikeaC***.com – A premonition of what Carmageddon™ will look like

Z